The Alien Planet

Have you ever felt like an outsider in a place where you used to feel so right? I kind of know what that feels like now, and it's pretty weird, to tell the truth. I guess it's just part of growing up, moving on, wanting to hold on but knowing that sometimes, it's better not to.

Tomorrow is the first company rehearsal for Beauty and the Beast...that should be pretty fun. I hope this next week can erase the past one, because it hasn't been too good. Lots of conflicts, lots of almost-resolutions. Lots of realizations about the future. It's not that far away, the future. It's like....right there....I can almost reach it. And it's weird to realize that I can't take everything that I want into the future. In just a few months, we'll leave this all behind. People, memories, not everything can come along. It's sad and hard to realize, hard to think about. It's hard to realize that some things that matter the world right now, won't matter at all one day. Think back over the years, about all the faces that have come and gone, about confrontations and arguments that once seemed like they would ruin our lives. We've come past so much, and there is so much more out there. Do you ever wonder if we'll ever see everyone again? If we'll ever all be together in one place again? And how many people do we care about to stay friends with them forever? It's scary. And harsh sounding, I didn't mean for it to sound like that, I just really really wonder. How much would we do differently if we were able to look back over all the decisions we've made and all the consequences that came from them? Ehh it's pointless to wonder, but that fact has never kept me from doing so anyways.

The truth is that soon, we'll be going off...no matter if it's just down the street or overseas, we all have something pulling or pushing us towards adulthood. Some of us will grow up faster than others, and I'm sure that there are a few who will never grow up at all. I'm just not sure how to react when I think about how different everything will be. And how different things already are, just from last year around this time.

Like A Ton of Bricks

I feel so heavy today. So unsettled. Immensely freaked out. Do you think that it's possible to keep secrets from yourself? To know something without really knowing it, and to be hit suddenly with a realization that's both painful and hard to deal with? It's a weird feeling, feeling betrayed by your own mind. It just makes me wonder about all the things that I might know or feel, without knowing that I know or feel them at this moment.

My heart kind of hurts. I guess I'll just have to see how real this realization is, and whether or not it can be trusted. If it can, it's likely to cause all sorts of problems, and it doesn't end well for almost complete sure. If it can't, then I will be really relieved, and things should return to normal.

Ahh, normal. What a very far-away word.

And Then Time Began Again

I love Beauty and the Beast. So much. And I'm so excited for the show. I know that it's going to be absolutely amazing. I'm practically dancing around I'm so excited. I can't wait until it all starts...the rehearsals, the readings, the craziness that makes up every musical season. Except this time, it's our last one. We'll come back and see them, of course...but it won't be the same. We'll just be part of the tradition, but a past part. Nikki will be at Dominic next year, and for the three years after that, but what comes next? Do we always come back? Is there a cut-off date for when it doesn't belong to us anymore? Is that this year? I hope not, because the musicals have meant so much to me over the past few years. I know that some people have major problems with them, and that some people go insane when it comes down to the wire...but sometimes, I feel like I thrive on it. It's a good feeling, and I want it so much. Sigh.

It seems that school gets slower and slower everyday. Friday was the longest, but today gave it a run for its money, especially near the end. Government wasn't as slow as it usually is, surprisingly, because we went to the computer lab to take quizzes to determine where we stand on the political spectrum. Yeah centrists. So anyways, that took up some time, but the last twenty minutes were agony. Staring at the clock is just plain not fun.

Hah so American Idol. Just so funny. I've never really watched it before, but wow, some of those people are just plain crazy.

Ok, well, I definitely need to do some homework. Need to. Need to. Yeah, ok, byes.

The Day Before Yesterday's Yesterday

That was the day of auditions. Tomorrow we find out.

I Know Why the Caged Bird is Bored

School Friday must have lasted at least a week. Seriously. The clock was frozen by the grim reaper like on Supernatural, and I was begging it to save me from my misery, but alas...it left me alone and laughed at my utter boredom. Just stood there and taunted me with death that I would have much preferred to the boredom that was school. My classes seemed to all run together...Business Law and Senior Financial Management and Government, all into one, ten-hour long lecture on justice and federalism. I just want to know what's going on musical-wise. I just want to know, gosh dangit. Please please please please please...waiting over the weekend is utter torture, and Monday will not be fun either. Blah blah blah. Well, I had wanted to actually write a long blog today, like the blogs of months gone by, but alas, it is not to be because my sister made dinner and is bugging me to go eat. So yeah, eventful fun day. My Joey is on the pro-life trip, and I was supposed to go to a play with Sarah, but I have too much studying to do for the exams that I have to retake. Lovely lovely lovely. Ok, food time, tootles.

For the Doubters

Hell you can drive at sixteen, go to war at eighteen, you can drink at twenty-one and retire at sixty-five so how old do you have to be…before your love…is real?

I Hope Your Pie is Freaking Worth It

I have learned, thanks to Nikki and Lexa, that Supernatural is actually pretty cool.

I know that sleep is worth it, though, so I'm off. Night...

Just A Jot

The French exam is now behind me...only about a million left to go. But that's ok. At least I feel like I'm getting somewhere now.

Nikki and I are watching the Critic's Choice Awards, which is pretty distracting homework-wise, but Reese Witherspoon just won Best Actress! And they keep showing clips of the new Gilmore Girls Episode tomorrow!

Unofficial Not-So-Spring Cleaning

Yes, well, happy new year everyone! It's good to know that things go on, even if they get hard for awhile. Like now. It's really hard making up all of the work I've missed, especially when all I want to do is sleep really late and watch movies all day. I'm done with physics class forever, and calculus too, which is really weird, but somehow liberating, for me to say. I'm not in student council anymore, either. I couldn't do with the not-so-subtle hints about how I wasn't the person they had wanted in the first place, and I decided I really didn't want to put up with it anymore, especially since I have a lot on my plate, and a lot of better things to do with people who appreciate me more. I guess you could say I'm getting my spring cleaning in pretty early this year.

That was kind of my unofficial new year's resolution this year. Clean out my life. Weed out everything unhealthy, or that chokes me in some way. Don't let people get me down. Try hard for what I want. Stay confident, but realize that my failures don't define me. Realize that being valedictorian isn't really what I want. I like the idea of the new, balanced me, who doesn't need what she thought she'd been striving for for the last few years. Who has something better in mind. And who almost has it.

And who has to go study for exams. Some things wont change too drastically.