Making a Future From My Dead Roses

This will be my last post of 2006, and let me just say: there are not enough Band-Aids in the world to cover the wounds I've inflicted this year.

I thought, for the greater part of the last twelve months, that I'd been making great strides in perfecting my character. I thought all the changes I'd been making had been for the better, and that I was becoming more of an adult. This year has held so many changes, and so many good things, but the end has been shrouded with something I thought would help, but instead only hurts.

I make so many mistakes. It's not always easy to recognize them, or to hide them when I do, but the alternative is taking responsibility for them, which is too terrifying to attempt sometimes. The scariest experience of all is not knowing if or when you've made a mistake.

And, if we're honest with ourselves, there aren't any guaranteed second chances. They exist few and far between, and some people wait their whole lives for them to come around. And what of that? If they never appear, all you're left with is a few dead roses and a broken heart. Such is the fee for not knowing what you want in life.

When I look in the mirror, I see someone different from who I was last year. All I can ask for is an improvement from the past, and I think I see it. I just wish that improvement came with happiness, too.

It Sucks So Bad, It Made Me Sad

It is really surreal being back home. Too many memories compressed into one small place, you know? The break from college is nice, and the time to spend with family and friends is nice, too. But everything else sucks. You guys know what I'm talking about. It sucks more than I can say, and I fancy myself able to say a whole whole lot.

I'm so excited to get to see you all soon. I've already had the pleasure of seeing my Lindsay and my R. Goldfarb and my Joe Siebelts - the rest of you better get your patooties over here soon.

And yes, my use of the word "patootie" was deliberate. Maybe I'm not as sane or rational as I'd like to think. Lo siento about that, by the way.

Natalie

Christmas break thus far...

So far christmas break is going fairly well; however, it started off rocky... It is soooo oh sooo nice to be at home, and have nothing school related to be stressed out about. I am oh so enjoying that :) And hanging out with old friends is always so nice too!!! However, I have yet to see my natalie.....tomorrow hopefully! Lately, I have been second guessing a lot of things in my life, but things are finally starting to look better. Everyone around seems to have these perfect relationships with their boyfriends...they call everynight and have hour long conversations, or their engaged, or thinking about marriage, or their boyfriends just seem to worship the ground they walk on. What was it two weeks ago I imagine it was, I talked to Sean on saturday night, but then did not talk to him until the following friday, after I had already arrived at home. I will admit several times that week I found myself second guessing that relationship...I began to wonder if truly he cared about me as much as I found myself to care for him. Many people around me were amazed that I was allowing myself to put up with someone who did not talk to me everyday, or many people began to tell me that I shouold not stand for such a relationship. However I stood my ground by allowing myself to tell all of these people that it was OUR decision, not just his to not talk every night... Even while I said this to people, I had to convince myself of it also. I tried to tell mysef that it was OK and the RIGHT thing to do for sean and my relationship. It was tough. I will admit many times I found myself crying myself to sleep because I was so utterly confused. I didn't know if it was OK that I did not talk to sean everynight. I sat in my dorm room and every night without fail Pat would call Leslie... and everynight they would talk for hours about anything and everything. It was hard because many of those nights I had not talked to Sean for several days. I am still searching for that answer......if whether or not it is okay not to talk to my boyfriend every night........however for now I am OK with it.....I am happy being at home with him. We seriously do have the best times when we are together. I love his sarcastic attitude and the way he makes me feel when I am with him. He makes me feel beautiful. He makes me feel special. He really is a WONDERFUL guy! And I am proud to say I love him.

I Love Ya, Tomorrow!

I'm going to be home tomorrow night! Can we all just take a moment to wooooooo it?

I can't wait to see you all! I'm having a "family day" on Thursday, but after that, it's all us! I miss you sooo much.

Natalie

Friday Means Nothing To Me

Aww, you have no idea how much I want to be home. Sadly, however, I still have one exam on Monday - Politics - which requires lots of annoying studying and being-worried-about-it-ness. But, guess who I randomly get to see tomorrow? My darling, dearest Megan Burke! She is going to be in my NYC tomorrow! Isn't that awesome/crazy?

Well, here's me just sincerely wishing I was home with all of you. I'm counting down the days. No, but McSeriously. I am.

Natalie

Mc....Creepy?

So.. I feel like one of those creepy people who always go back to their old high school because they still want to be in high school...I swear on the Bible that I don't want to be back in high school. I love being on my own. But I still feel like one of those people. I help Kathy with cheerleading, and every time I go, I just feel like an outsider. I don't feel needed. I know that is selfish, but she gets along perfectly without me, I just feel in the way every time I go. Last night, I went to the Christmas concert, and afterwards Joe and I went and found out the musical (FYI, it's The Music Man, in case any of you didn't know) and went to DQ with some of the seniors. And I felt AWKWARD. Meh. I don't like it. I want everyone here at home. -Sarah

McDuh!

McSilly Natalie, thosep pictures are of Brad Paisley of Carrie Underwood. McGoodness, I can't believe you didn't McKnow that! McCrazy! :) I miss you all loads as well, and I can't wait until we're all at home!! I love you!!!! P.S. All this McTalk is making me think of galoshes!! heehee.

McSeriously

Ok, so, am I a bad person for not McKnowing who the heck those pictures are of? Lo siento chica...ish. I'm sure I would be totally McJealous if I did! Ok, so, the "Mc" thing never gets old, I McPromise. My roommates McLove it. McSeriously. They aren't McRunning towards me with a McKnife now...

Ok, but seriously. Cheer up, guys. We can get through this. In less than two weeks, we'll all be seeing each other again! I love you guys soooo much. McLove.

Natalie

Concert!!

I love you all. Here's how much you should hate me. (PS: these are all from my camera's zoom, not my computer's!)

The incompetent friend back in action

Once again I have proved myself to be an awful friend. I just want to take this time to say to you Lindsay that I am so incredibly sorry for everything that happened today. I know how much you studied for your chemistry test, and I certainly know how important it was that you got a good grade on it. I should have been more concerned or at least sensitive about your feelings when you were so upset about not doing as well as you thought you would. I am sorry. I feel really bad, and I know that you are pissed at me, as you rightfully should, but just know that I really do care. You are my best friend and I love you so much, so everything that hurts you, hurts me too. But maybe you didn't do as completely horrible as you thought you did. There is still the exam though. You still have a chance to bring your grade up with that. I will even help you study for it if you need me to. Things will work out in the end, have some faith. You won't have to leave Truman....I won't allow it!!! Love Leslie

Wanting Home

I should be asleep right now, because I have an early morning French test that I'm not exactly excited about. I don't have that much to say at the moment aside from the fact that I'm extremely stressed, and that I wish things were as good with me and Joe as they are with the rest of you and your respective others. Nothing has happened, but that almost seems to be the point. Nothing...happens.

You have no idea how happy I will be when I am home, 15 days from now. I'll be holding my breath until then.

Natalie

Death to the world of education

Why must I be tormented so? So much homework....so many hours of studying!!! I am beginning to feel like my education is becoming more of a burden than anything. Today I spent 1:30 to 9:00 at night on campus doing various school projects and studying. I hate a math test tomorrow that if I don't at least get a passing grade on I fail my class entirely.....good news about that is I have NO CLUE! how to do any of the material on the test. I am doomed! I spent two hours at math tutoring sessions tonight and I still completely at loss about everything! I hate school!! Amen to holidays. Bring on the christmas presents!!! Oh yea....and my friends....I love my friends! I can't wait to see everyone. EEKS!!! Love, Leslie

The Sisterhood of the Traveling....Blanket!

I agree, we definately definately need to make that blanket!! Ohh man I am excited. Lindsay and Leslie-- when are your exams next week? I have one Monday and one Friday--and I DONT want to have to stay in Columbia all week by myself. (Plus, all of my friends are leaving Tuesday) So...when are your exams? Because I vote that we visit each other if you guys don't have exams during the week....I love you all mucho!! See you in about two weeks! P.S.--We have over 500 posts!! That is crazy!! --Sarah-- (P.P.S. I get to be Bee!!! Haha I love you all!)

Moving on up

So after a little trouble, Sean and my relationship is finally getting to be amazing :)! And I truly am really happy. Anyways...school is tough and hard, but what the hell am I going to do about it. So for one of my nursing classes, I have to give a presentation on Artificial heart (left ventricular assist device). Guess what...I learned that from Grey's Anatomy. That show is educational!!!!! Thanks to Izzy, I now know what the "LVAD" is, and I am really excited about getting to give a presentation on one. YAY!!! watching t.v. does pay off!!! I love you guys!!!!! and I say over christmas..we get Tony's fleece "birthday" blanket...and make ti cute..and make it the Traveling Blanket!!! Love, lindsay

Big Momma in da house!

Everyone knows that I heart Lindsay mucho mucho! Let me just explain that yesterday Lindsay had gotten the grand idea of nicknaming me Big Momma....thus in retaliation I posted a blog about her tendency to type rather loudly because I know it drives her completely crazy. Muahahahahahaha!! Second....I hate biology!!! I don't understand how I asked a question about an E.Coli culture and evolution and all I got out of it was that if a population of monkeys lived on a island and a volcano erupted that only one moneky would survive. Somewhere in there I think I was supposed to grasp the concept of E.Coli evolution. I just can't imaging where things went wrong!

:-(

Natalie, you are NOT a bad girlfriend!! What happened?? I miss you. Call me and talk to me... :-'( P.S. Leslie, I would gladly switch you roommates! ;-)

Squeak squeaken squeak squeakity

Lindsay types really loud....and that is all. p.s. Clank clank clankity clank

Natalie, Here

I'm the worst girlfriend ever. That is all.