It's The Thought That Counts...Yeah Right.

I am the best girlfriend ever. The end.

Woo Turkey

Hey you guys, I just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving! I miss you so much, and I'm completely jealous that you get to see each other over the break. I can't wait until Christmas! Mwah mwah, tootles. Natalie

Don't Be Sad!!

Okay, I'm an idiot. To anybody that read that, I apologize for my stupidity. But mostly, I am sorry to you, Linz, I didn't know you were blogging!!!! I love you too much, as well, and I don't want you to be sad either!!! We will see you TOMORROW!! yay for breaks! I love you!! -Sarah

Lonely

I really am not to sure what to write, but this is how I feel right now. lonely. I am sitting in my room by myself right now, at school. I know Sarah and Leslie are at home right now, and I want to be there right now too. I'm sick of being at school right now. I love it, but I'm tired and worn out. I just want to go home and see my family. I love you guys, and I miss you natalie so much.

Not quite as cool as Natalie's story...but, well, I'm not in NYC... ;)

Everyone told me coming home after being is college would be weird, and like always, I didn't believe it. I've been home since I moved away; actually, almost every weekend in the past month. However, I overlooked one small detail: those times were only for 1-2 days at a time, and now I'm back for 10 days. Ten whole days. It's not weird because of my family or because my friends aren't here (ok, a little weird, but not my point here). What I'm getting at, is the all-of-a-sudden-crazy-overwhelming amount of high school reminders decorating my room. During my quick trips home prior to this break, I had never paid attention to the various items covering my bedroom walls. Except now, I feel very far removed from all of it. My bulletin board is covered in programs from our shows, my old work schedule and whistle, a Rent ad, and a variety of decorated quote pages I made during the past two years. All of my high school books cover my bookshelf, and my diploma, tassle, honors ropes, and cheerleading mirror sit on a shelf by my TV. On top of that, I finally got back an "About Me" project I had to make for my proseminar. When it was due, in the middle of September, high school was still hot on my mind, so I covered it with pictures of high school: cheerleading, friends, shows, ranch days, uniforms, prom, etc. I just got it back yesterday, and it doesn't feel like me anymore. I feel so far away from the days when those pictures were taken, it's unreal. Actually, I think it's that feeling, combined with coming back to my room, that triggered this blog. It's just weird. (How's that for a closing line? I think Shakespeare used it all of the time, actually. ;) )

Epiphany Without Clarity

I had...an extremely bizarre Saturday. It wasn't expected, and I don't even know what to think of it now that it's passed. It was almost like a movie how it happened. You can judge for yourself.

I was going to meet my friend Nicole on Water Street so that we could go to the Human Bodies Exhibit in South Seaport. We're nerds like that, and we were so excited; it ended up being extremely interesting, but that isn't part of this story.

I took the A train from Columbus Circle and accidentally got off at the Chambers stop, one stop too soon. Annoyed with myself, I asked the station manager to direct me towards Water Street, which she did, cheerfully enough. Instead of exiting the subway like a normal person, I decided to walk underground. It wasn't shady in the least, and I liked feeling like I knew where I was going. In that little walk, I was a complete idiot. I didn't know where I would end up.

It took me a staggering amount of time to realize where the tunnel ended. Even standing there, slowly revolving on the spot, I couldn't believe it. There were pictures, and a big wire fence; there was even a homeless man playing "Amazing Grace" on a flute, if you can believe it. I was standing in the center of the surviving structure of the World Trade Center, and I felt like a fool.

I had been avoiding it ever since I got here. My mom asked me if I wanted to go when she was in town last, and I steadfastly refused. Stumbling upon it like that made it even harder to grasp. I was crying silently as I climbed the stairs to the street level, where I could see it all even more clearly. I knew that people might have died where I stood. I knew that too many people have forgotten already, and that it's not fair.

I could have gotten over it more quickly, I believe, if it hadn't been for the banner. A few blocks away from my destination, hanging from a building as if it were waiting for me, was a long, tall white sheet, and all it said on it in thick black letters, was "Natalie." I didn't know what it meant at the time, and I don't know now; all I know is that I was supremely disturbed, and it felt like there was something I was supposed to grasp, but couldn't. Coincidence is not enough of an explanation for me.

Natalie

Indecisive=ME

I don't know what I am doing. I feel like I have to make all decisicions regarding the rest of my life RIGHT NOW. I know I want to marry Tim. I know I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I know he will have to live in O'Fallon because he will own/run Twin Oaks. And that is fine. But what if I can't get into the journalism market in St. Louis? I've wanted to do broadcasting since seventh grade. I've always been extremely driven and determined in that area. Hell, the only reason I'm at this retarded school is so I can be at one of the best journalism schools in the country. However, lately I've been thinking of teaching English. I would loooove to teach high school English. Mrs. Batenhorst was such a big influence on me, and I would love to have such an influence on people's lives. And, to add more stress--I know I don't have to go to Mizzou anymore if I drop journalism. And let's face it- I really don't like it here. Maybe it's because I hate my classes. Maybe it's because I hate the huge campus. Maybe it's because my roommate is the most self-absorbed person I've ever met. I really don't know. And then there's this--I can't figure out if this sudden change of interest is because I truly don't want to do journalism anymore, or if I'm trying to find something to do to work around what Tim is going to be doing. I realize I am only eighteen, and this is probably crazy to think about getting married or engaged right now. And if i didn't realize it before, I definately do now, after my mom tells me she's "worried about me" and "she doesn't want me to throw my life away." Yes, I know this. I've never been the kind of person that underthinks things. Hell, this entire blog is filled with me overanalyzing everything. It gets a little annoying, too. For once I wish I could just make a decision and not let it completely overwhelm me. I hate that I overthink and go crazy about every little thing. But I cannot help it. That's just the kind of person I am. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I want to be with Tim. I don't want to give journalism up just yet. But I hate my school--I hate being so far away from him. I hate being so far away from my family and best friends. But this is where I have to be if I want to be a journalist--I'm even sitting in my journalism class right now. This is so frustrating. I just want to know what I'm supposed to do, then I'll be able to figure out how to get there. I don't want an easy life. I don't even want someone to give me whatever I want. I like to work hard. I like school. I like to learn. But I wish I could just choose a path and follow it.