Indecisive=ME

I don't know what I am doing. I feel like I have to make all decisicions regarding the rest of my life RIGHT NOW. I know I want to marry Tim. I know I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I know he will have to live in O'Fallon because he will own/run Twin Oaks. And that is fine. But what if I can't get into the journalism market in St. Louis? I've wanted to do broadcasting since seventh grade. I've always been extremely driven and determined in that area. Hell, the only reason I'm at this retarded school is so I can be at one of the best journalism schools in the country. However, lately I've been thinking of teaching English. I would loooove to teach high school English. Mrs. Batenhorst was such a big influence on me, and I would love to have such an influence on people's lives. And, to add more stress--I know I don't have to go to Mizzou anymore if I drop journalism. And let's face it- I really don't like it here. Maybe it's because I hate my classes. Maybe it's because I hate the huge campus. Maybe it's because my roommate is the most self-absorbed person I've ever met. I really don't know. And then there's this--I can't figure out if this sudden change of interest is because I truly don't want to do journalism anymore, or if I'm trying to find something to do to work around what Tim is going to be doing. I realize I am only eighteen, and this is probably crazy to think about getting married or engaged right now. And if i didn't realize it before, I definately do now, after my mom tells me she's "worried about me" and "she doesn't want me to throw my life away." Yes, I know this. I've never been the kind of person that underthinks things. Hell, this entire blog is filled with me overanalyzing everything. It gets a little annoying, too. For once I wish I could just make a decision and not let it completely overwhelm me. I hate that I overthink and go crazy about every little thing. But I cannot help it. That's just the kind of person I am. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I want to be with Tim. I don't want to give journalism up just yet. But I hate my school--I hate being so far away from him. I hate being so far away from my family and best friends. But this is where I have to be if I want to be a journalist--I'm even sitting in my journalism class right now. This is so frustrating. I just want to know what I'm supposed to do, then I'll be able to figure out how to get there. I don't want an easy life. I don't even want someone to give me whatever I want. I like to work hard. I like school. I like to learn. But I wish I could just choose a path and follow it.