Not content.

Sadly this is how I feel. I'm not content. I'm not content with almost any aspect of my life. Okay sorry I am very content with how my relationship with my family is right now. It is amazing. One big humungo argument with my mom about a month ago, calmed things down with me and her. One final blow, hopefully, from the both of us. I see that she now respects me for who I am, and I now will let her see who I have become. So thats an exciting new happening for myself at home. But...I'm not content with who I am and what I am doing with myself outside of my family. I am not content. I feel like I am doing all of the wrong things with my life. Ask me what I might think that I am doing wrong? I have no clue. I just know it doesnt feel right. What I do on the weekends, I dont feel like I should be doing. I am not content. I hate it. But what should I do? I have not a clue. I beleive my eyes were opened to my discontent with our lovely conversation with Rob at Imo's that Sunday night. I finally had to confront myself that night with many tears and memories, and that night after a long talk with Tim, I realized I am not content. I am not. Ahhh I hate it and wish that I could just stop all of these crazy feelings I have inside, and just scream. But at last, I am still the same me week after week, just wishing something will just pop right out and tell me what I am doing thats wrong. I am not content and I do not like it. The really bad thing is that about a year ago this time, I felt like nothing in the world could go wrong. I felt like I was on top of the world looking down. I felt I had made life long friendships and was so content with my little outings to josephville. Oh it was so exciting. A life with wonderful friends. I loved it. And better yet, I was happy with my life. But here, a year later, I find myself in a very different position. With many of the same great friends ( and a few new ones :) ) But yet I have lost some. I have lost some people who were a great part of me last year. They were my life. And a year later, they are not. So maybe I suppose I am still healing in some sort of way. But someone tell me how someone who was a MAJOR part of your life for so long, could all of a sudden with the snap of a finger be gone. No longer in your life, and snatched right out from underneath you? Eh, I am still searching for the answer. It sucks. Eh I cant explain it, puh. heh. But I find a void in my life, that I for a long time have been reluctant to fill. I dont know quite yet how to fill it, but for that matter if I even want to take that risk. I want to be completely happy. I want to feel the joy of friends, and happiness. But right now I do not. Now dont get me wrong, I am not saying that I hate all of my friends. Because thats so not true I love them all, and I love being with them. I just dont know whats going on right now with me. And Tim makes me so happy :), and so do the rest of my friends. He knows that. And I thank him for always sticking by my side through all of this craziness. But I dont know. I need something really really really bad. -Lindsay P.S. So please everyone this is how I have been feeling for sometime now. I truly dont mean to hurt anyone by this post. But it's me. And I am sorry if I have pulled away from anyone, not talking as much or so forth. But thats what I feel I have to do. I know everyone has major issues going on in their lives right now, and I want to be there for you guys. But I find myself wrapped up in an issue of my own. MYSELF. I have become an issue. Great. HEH. So I am just apologizing now if sometimes I look dazed and confused and upset at school: this is the reason.