Jake

I talked to Jake. He called me. On the phone. From Florida. so hold on a sec... OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG ok. so my cell phone rings and i go to answer it, and i dont recognize the number. i thought it was probably someone calling me to prank me, or someone i didnt know, or a friend on a different number. so i answer it, and its a guy, and i kinda recognized the voice, but it didnt really register. this is how it went: me: hello? him: sarah? me: yeah... him: do you know who this is? me: no...who is it? him: would you believe it if i said it as jake? me: what? huh? OH MY GOD! and so we talked. and i told him what i have been up to, and he told me how hurricanes suck. and he's coming back december 18. and we're gonna hang out. and he said how he's gonna come to school and see everyone and i said to come to lit with potthast and he's like noo. and i told him (i have no idea how but i did) how i wrote a paper about him. and how everything screwed me up for so long. and he was like WHAT and i told him about that and how much it hurt and just everything. and i asked him if there was something there, and what could have happened. and he told me that there was, and if he hadnt left that we could have been together for a long time. and he said that before he left, he tried so hard not to have any attatchments, and to cut off anything that could hurt and hold him back. and thats why he didnt write or anything. i got answeres to everything ive been thinking about for so long. just...wow. it was....jake. he hasnt changed at all. he's still the same goofy funny weird jake that i like 5 months ago. same manorisms, the same goofy sense of humor, the same silly words he always used, that i gradually adopted into my own vocabulary. it was all there. and even though we havent had a word from each other in 5 months, we talked for a half hour without weird silences. and probably could have talked for another 2. im just shaking. just so full of emotion that i dont know what to do with, and im trying to pour as much of it into this as i can. its almost like i need to cry, except im not sad. i just dont know what to do with all the left over emotion. oh man oh man. its just...jake. its all ive wanted for 5 months (and it is five months, exactly. to the day. well, 20 weeks, which is technically 5 months) and its just...wow... and i think...maybe...that not having a letter was the best thing. it hurt so bad not hearing from him, but i think maybe it would have hurt worse, hearing from him, and knowing that it couldnt ever be possible? and thats why he said he didnt write me. and even though the past five months have been hell, it was worth it, because i know i'm ok. and im gonna be ok. i know now that even though him leaving and everything crashing down around me hurt so much, it was worth it, and in the end, i learned a lot about myself, love, and live in general. which is more than i could have ever hoped to learn, especially at this age. and like jake told me, live each day from emotion to emotion, and not hold anything back. express what you want, and need, to express, and just let it go. because you never know what you're going to miss, if you dont just do it at that second. and i like that.